


when i was done dying

by tootsonnewts



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Post S6, keith literally just checking in on him and setting off a terrible wave of existentialism, like you do, shiro thinking about mistakes he's made and how to deal with them, shiro thinking about the future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 12:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15557499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tootsonnewts/pseuds/tootsonnewts
Summary: “You alright?”Keith’s voice is soft in the quiet expanse of Black’s cargo hold. It still hits him in the jaw like a punch, such a huge question. Shiro doesn’t know where to start.See, it’s still a little difficult for Shiro to parse everything out. He still feels trapped in the blur of him-not him-him that smears his edges on a daily basis. He still feels the weight of memories from long before he hurtled through space and directly into the arms of his simultaneous torturers and saviors.on their flight back home, keith checks in on shiro and accidentally sets him off on some serious introspection.





	when i was done dying

**Author's Note:**

> _When I was done dying, my conscience regained_  
>  So I began my struggle, a nothingness strained
> 
> Out a flash made of time, my new form blasted out  
> And it startled me so and I burst out a shout
> 
> At which my legs ran frantic like birds from a nest  
> And I ran until drained, leaving no choice but rest
> 
> So I fell asleep softly at the edge of a cave  
> But I should have gone in deeper but I'm not so brave
> 
> And like that I was torn out and thrown in the sky  
> And I said all my prayers because surely I'll die
> 
> As I crashed down and smashed into earth, into dirt  
> How my skin did explode, leaving only my shirt
> 
> But from shirt grew a tree and then tree grew a fruit  
> And I became the seed and that seed was a brute  
> -[when i was done dying, dan deacon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZqUprA6bKE)

“You alright?”

Keith’s voice is soft in the quiet expanse of Black’s cargo hold. It still hits him in the jaw like a punch, such a huge question. Shiro doesn’t know where to start.

See, it’s still a little difficult for Shiro to parse everything out. He still feels trapped in the blur of him-not him-him that smears his edges on a daily basis. He still feels the weight of memories from long before he hurtled through space and directly into the arms of his simultaneous torturers and saviors.

There was a time, years ago, lifetimes ago, eons ago, when Shiro would have heard that question from a different mouth. From warm eyes shielded by gleaming lenses. Soft brown hair. Glowing skin under a utilitarian bedside lamp. Strength and support with endless patience. Innumerable hours, minutes, seconds, heartbeats ago.

Now it’s calloused hands, intelligent brows, the gentle slope of a strong neck carrying a whipcord body through time and space itself. It’s sharp protectiveness draped in quiet caring and an awkward air. It’s a beautiful heart wrapped in beautiful skin, and Shiro’s chest cracks wide open under the weight of it.

It’s hard to explain how it feels to let go of the first love of your life while simultaneously watching the final love of your life grow and change and become the man you always knew he would be. It’s impossible to put into words what it’s like to slowly let go of your heart’s deepest dream while also snatching up a new one by the scruff of the neck before even realizing that’s what you’re doing.

What he does know is this: Adam was everything he needed when they knew and loved each other. He was kind, caring, loyal to the end. He was vibrant and worried and so willing to stay, even with so much laying at his feet, even if he was too sharp with the fight. He just wanted more than Shiro could give. All he wanted was more time.

What he also knows is this: Keith was young and life-hardened and alone when they first met. He was dedicated and full of fight, ready to spit flame at all who dared doubt him. He worked hard and tried harder, even if his efforts could so often be misdirected. He just wanted to be cared for, to be seen for who he was. All he wanted was someone who could stay.

It’s hard to look back at those truths and not feel the deep cuts of guilt flay him open.

Shiro is not a blameless man. He’s flawed and scared and tired as all humans are. The weight of the world is ever-present at his back. The weight of several worlds, to be precise. Still, he’s also determined and resolute and  _ trying.  _ That, he feels, ought to count for something. Maybe it won’t erase the sins of his past, and it very well shouldn’t, but it could be enough to push through to the other side of peace.

He can settle for that.

Sometimes when he lays awake at night, shaking and sweating, staring at the cold metal ceiling above him, he wonders if his time spent fighting, hurting, and killing for his life in the name of entertainment was his atonement for his hubris. If, perhaps, his wide-eyed terror and pain at the hands of Haggar and her druids was the universe bringing him back down for reaching too high. If his death was his just dessert for trying to cheat the reaper in the first place and ending up having someone else finally do it for him.

But then, a cold nose will press into his palm or arm or cheek every time, quietly snuffling across his skin with short huffed breaths and miniscule whimpers. It’s always perfunctory, pointed gestures; never any dramatic whining or draping of a big, furry body across his. It fondly reminds him of the dog’s owner, very much the same way when displaying his emotion. Brief, to the point, but effective all the same.

Every time Cosmo bumps his muzzle against Shiro to pull him out of his stupor, it feels like a warm hand running thin fingers along his flesh. He’ll smile and reach out, scratch behind giant ears, whisper thanks and praise to the animal at his side and settle back in to try for more sleep.

It’s representative, he thinks, of Keith’s total effect on his life. The teenager who grew and changed, charging through so much of the world and Shiro’s expectations with a single-minded fervor that could only be described as admirable. All Keith had for the longest time was himself, so for all that time, the only person he had to disappoint was himself. Shiro still can’t quite believe that he was able to pierce through that veil. It’s a point of pride and honor that he’ll always clutch close to his chest.

Over time, Keith’s accomplishments became Shiro’s. His peaks and valleys, his developments and changes, they all fold themselves deep inside the blanket of Shiro’s heart, lovingly cradled and warmly kept until the day Keith might need them back. Shiro selfishly, desperately hopes that day will never come.

But all that aside, Keith has given Shiro more than that. He’s given him someone to be better for, too. Someone that needed an example of how to be, an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on, a boot in the ass to set him straight when he wanders off path. He silently presents Shiro with unending support, even in the face of insurmountable odds. Keith has never told him what he can handle, only that he’ll stick around to see him at the end.

When Shiro reappeared in a freezing desert with fairytales of interstellar invaders and convenient amnesia, Keith stood by his side.

When Shiro lost his nerve, tunnel vision closing in as a training bot lunged straight at him to deliver an unforgiving blow, Keith leapt to his aid.

When Shiro disappeared again.

When Shiro died.

When Shiro wasn’t Shiro.

When Shiro hurt Keith.

When Shiro tried to kill him.

Keith stayed. Keith loved him.

And now, when Shiro is himself again - but not totally - Keith stays. He sends his love, even when he is not the one delivering it.

Shiro sees it in every midnight visit from a dog adopted off the back of a whale in the middle of space. He sees it each time Kolivan offers to help him train for his new center of gravity, for his new body, upon their next meeting. He feels it each time Hunk, or Pidge, or even Lance offers to call Keith over for him when his eyebrow quirks just so at a challenge. He knows with certainty when Allura and Coran find excuses for him to deliver messages to the Black Paladin that they can easily hand over themselves. He’s unnerved but warmed when Krolia offers to walk him through the intricacies of Galran mate bonding practices.

Shiro feels graced each time Keith pokes his head into the room, unruly hair growing longer and softer, blowing errant strands from his eyes as he checks on Shiro’s status. It’s a complicated question. There are still holes in his mind where his memories and the clone’s work to slot themselves together. He still forgets, sometimes as he reaches for his communicator, that Keith’s greatest act of kindness toward him resulted in the loss of his right arm. Occasionally, he’ll still wake up, pouring sweat and gritting his teeth on the tail-end of an unexplainable wave of anger.

He can work these things out, walk them off in small turns of Black’s cargo hold as they work their way through space back home. It’s helpful exercise, the repetitive motions sometimes shake something loose, helping another small piece of the puzzle fit itself into place.

Keith is always there when it happens. Somehow, he just  _ knows.  _

And it’s not unusual when he considers that, really. Keith has always been a vertebra in his life, unfailing, ever-present, a constant source of strength and support. He suspects he always will be, if Shiro only requested it. It’s more than a suspicion, but he still needs to work through convincing himself that it’s a blessing he might one day be worthy of.

He wants it. And for now, that’s enough.

There are still battles to fight, loose ends to tie, mistakes to address. But with Keith at his side, he knows that none of those things will be nearly as tremendous as they would be alone.

Shiro smiles softly at the miracle before him.

“I will be.”

**Author's Note:**

>  _And the earth looked at me and said "Wasn't that fun?"_  
>  And I replied "I'm sorry if I hurt anyone"
> 
>  
> 
> come see me on [tumblr](http://tootsonnewts.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/_tootsonnewts) if you'd like!  
> see you on the other side of the season!


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